Driving in the Fast Lane, Part I
To say I am looking forward to the next three to four weeks would be a lie of the most gargantuan proportions. We are enjoying a very busy start to the “Summer (Low) Season”, with the hotel at over ninety percent occupancy through mid-July already and our Full of Beans Café producing good steady levels of income. From a business perspective, we are presently in one of those purple patches … but this does nothing for my darkening mood.
The primary reason for my concerns is that Mrs. Boss is due to go into hospital on for an operation on her left eye. A similar operation on the right eye was undertaken a couple of years ago so we know how long the recovery process takes. Mrs. Boss will be in hospital for one week and then unable to do anything but rest at home for a further two to three weeks.
Normally, the moment Mrs. Boss walks out of the door for any extended period we are visited, big style, by Mr. Cock-Up and associated relatives. They move in en masse and turn every day into one of complete mayhem and chaos. Customers become wayward, the employees become invisible and equipment blows up. I am left running around in ever decreasing circles endeavouring to cover several different jobs, deal with a multitude of problems and undertake my normal duties — failing miserably at every turn. I cannot put properly into words how much I am most certainly not looking forward to these next few weeks!
I will also have the added responsibility of looking after my youngest son, James, during this period. Sam, my oldest boy, has returned to school in Sriratcha this weekend, where he normally boards during the week and returns home for the weekends. For the period of his mother’s convalescence, however, he will stay at school. James is also back at school this coming week, but is back home by four in the afternoon and will thereafter wishing to avail himself of my parenting skills (such as they are).
Matters are not helped by the fact that I do not drive. I can drive, although it was a painstaking exercise in passing my driving test and one that was accomplished on the fifth attempt and under the influence of alcohol. I had never been comfortable behind the wheel of a car, as there were too many factors to consider not least the actions of others which were outside of my control. I have been called a ‘control freak’ in the past and that is possibly true to some degree. When faced with situations I am able to determine the outcome of, I am fine. But when not everything is under my power then stress sets in.
My first driving instructor, back in the early 1970’s, was an ex-policeman whose primary teaching skill was to shout very loudly in his deep voice every single time one made even the slightest of errors. This, as you can well imagine, did little to help build the confidence of a young and nervous driver new to the roads. I do recall one particular episode where whilst traveling along Windsor High Street a car overtook us and then cut directly across our path necessitating me to employ an unscheduled emergency stop. It was early evening, traffic was heavy and we were on the town’s busiest road. My instructor told me to just sit there as he jumped out of the car and went after the driver of the other vehicle, who by this time had gone inside a nearby Greek restaurant. I sat behind the wheel as other cars hooted, overtook and shook their fists at me and, to a man, failed to acknowledge I was merely a learner driver in a driving school car.
I endured this embarrassing situation for several minutes, although it seemed considerably longer, before my instructor came running out of the restaurant chased by two meat clever wielding Greek chefs. He shouted at me to start the car and ‘get the hell out of here’ as he jumped in pulling the door closed and locking it immediately. I managed to get us away from the Greek chefs who stood decked in their white aprons and tall chef’s hats in the middle of the street waving the cleavers as we departed the scene. Apparently he had used his loud and threatening tones on the wrong people this time!
I took three driving tests under this man’s guidance and failed them all miserably.
