Days in the Life of a Pattaya Hotel Owner

I meet people who have been here twenty or thirty times and never experienced even the slightest of problems. They have learned about this city and the mistakes that can so easily lead to problems of one description or another.

Pattaya offers numerous ways to make a fool of you with scams aplenty, most of which are perpetrated on the naive new tourists. I have always maintained that if you leave your brains at Bangkok airport then you are asking for trouble of one description or another — when it comes to street smarts the people of Pattaya wrote the definitive book.

I am often asked by newcomers staying at Jasmine Mansion if I have any advice or suggestions for them. I am usually happy to oblige with a few tips that will normally help them to navigate their way around town without falling into some of the more obvious traps. These are simple rules but need to be followed:

1. Never tell anyone it is your first time here. That is akin to cutting your wrists whilst swimming in shark infested waters.
2. Do not go out in the evening wearing showy and expensive jewelry. Similarly when sitting in a bar do not peel off notes from a large roll of one-thousand baht bills — you are likely to attract attention from eyes you did not even know were peering in your direction. Farangs are all perceived as wealthy and in comparison to most Thai people that is true. Flaunting your wealth, such as it may be, is going to attract the type of attention you would be best advised to avoid.
3. Do not get so drunk that you do not know where you are or how to get back to your hotel. Staggering around dimly lit side streets in the early morning hours is something you should most certainly avoid.
4. Never get involved in an argument that is nothing to do with you. There have been many serious, and sometimes fatal, incidents where a farang has intervened when seeing a young Thai girl being accosted by her boyfriend. It may be an unpleasant scene but is nothing by comparison to what is likely to happen to you should you choose to interfere.
5. Do not pick an argument with a Thai person and, most certainly do not do so being confident of winning any punching contest due to your greater size. Even were you to prove to be successful in an exchange of blows it is almost guaranteed you will meet your victim plus two dozen of his friends around the next corner.
6. Do not get involved with drugs of any description. Not only does this bring you into contact with those you would be best off avoiding but if you are caught by the police then the penalties are extremely severe.

Simple, common-sense stuff really — not too difficult to grasp I would have thought. Having lived here for almost three years, I have witnessed far fewer problems than was the case when I lived in London. Most of the serious crime is drug or gambling related and usually Thai on Thai. Where farangs are victims it is often, although obviously not always, as a result of them not following the basic common sense rules of how to act in this city.

Of course I could list hundreds of dos and don’ts but some things have to be left up to the individual to work out and others are just the normal actions you would assume anyone takes wherever they may be. Ray was new to Pattaya and arrived here at the hotel early evening, tired from his flight from London but looking forward to experiencing the delights of Pattaya.

Ray was only in his room for around thirty minutes, sufficient time to shower and change, before being back downstairs and asking me directions to various bars and places of entertainment. I gave him a map of the main areas and directions on how to reach them. He asked for some advice as this was his first trip and I duly imparted the basic rules I have detailed herein.

I had not thought it necessary to say to Ray, or any other visitor for that matter, “If you are heterosexual try to avoid getting so drunk that you find yourself sleeping with a chick with a dick.” It is nothing to do with me after all; I really do not need or wish to know what an individual’s sexual preferences are. The following morning I arrived at the hotel and there in the café was Ray looking rather hung over and sporting several marks around his neck, commonly referred to as “love-bites” When I was sixteen or seventeen I used to find these bite marks a sign of my virility and wear open-neck shirts so they were displayed to my friends as proof of my sexual prowess. I grew out of that phase rather quickly though, as most of us do.

The café was reasonably full at the time and on seeing me, Ray looked up from his fried eggs and said aloud in his London accent “You won’t believe this Kev but I brought a bird back with me last night and then I find out this morning she’s got a dick.” Whether intentionally or not Ray had now gained the attention of his fellow diners. I was not in the slightest bit interested and having had neither my caffeine nor nicotine intake for the day was really not in the mood to say much more than, “Oh,” as I headed towards my office. Ray, however, was not finished and further explained some of the intimate bedroom details of the previous night — and, for good measure, earlier that morning. By now several guests could be seen pushing their sausages to the side of the plate and Ray needed to be made aware that his story was not ideal breakfast conversation.

I sat and chatted briefly with Ray telling him these things happened and that it is an easy mistake to make especially being new in Thailand and drunk as well. Ray settled back to his food and I headed once again to my office and was relieved to see the other diners no longer sitting open mouthed at Ray’s admissions. The peace lasted only ten minutes though before Ray’s partner of the previous evening made her, or his, appearance. Sporting only the shortest of skirts that revealed the panties beneath — even when stood upright — and a top that showed vast amounts of cleavage, this was so obviously a bloke in a skirt. This was not even a good looking Ladyboy or Katoey (as they are referred to here in Thailand), who at a push could pass as a woman, as I said, this was clearly a bloke in a skirt! “See what I mean?” says Ray, to no one and everyone, “How could I possibly know this were a bloke?” By this time those remaining customers had rather come to terms with Ray’s confession and were now trying hard not to laugh out loud. Ray had the good manners to buy his new friend breakfast before wishing her well and saying farewell. He then ventured into my office to inform me that he would see me later and give me the full story. My stomach lurched, this was a story I really did not want to hear, and I vowed to make sure I would be very busy every time I saw Ray.

Now pay very close attention to the photos sprinkled about this post. They will play a vital part in a fun contest I’ll be running shortly!