Days in the Life of a Pattaya Hotel Owner

Welcome to the land of Pattaya real estate agents. This is a new and altogether different land — a land, I now realize, that requires you to leave your sanity at home before entering. This is a land full of strange beings that I suggest are really visitors from some distant planet, sent here to learn more about us earthlings. If this is true then I can only suggest that their space ship arrived just a few days ago, as they still appear to have much to learn! It also does not appear that they have sent their finest minds on this particular mission. I can only presume that their leaders did some form of mathematical equation related to the lowest common denominator before settling on Pattaya as their chosen destination.

Mrs. Boss and I have decided to offer the hotel for lease, hence our need to set foot upon the real estate terrain. We have a number of projects underway and we cannot devote the necessary time to them and continue to operate the hotel. I collected numerous property magazines from the local supermarkets and scoured the Internet to check out the listed agencies’ web sites. I discovered that the agencies here are primarily farang owned and operated, although there a few Thai agencies dotted around town. As an ex-real estate agent from my life in the UK, this is an area that I am more than familiar with. The need to look professional, the ability to market yourself and your company to the prospective vendor, and to have done your homework prior to visiting the client’s premises in order to be able to provide an accurate assessment of value are essential. I contacted six agents whose advertising was the most widespread and whose web sites offered good quality information. I prepared notes in advance of the various agents visiting which, I hoped, would answer most of their questions. I also had outline figures for income and expenditure ready, together with my projections for the next three years.

Mrs. Boss and I own the buildings, although strictly speaking, as they are in her name to satisfy Thai legal requirements, I should say Mrs. Boss owns the buildings. We both agree property prices in the area are likely to increase in the years ahead, therefore our preference is to lease the business rather than sell the hotel. However, should someone turn up with a full sack of cash then we may well be tempted to take it and head for the hills. So what we want from an agent is a realistic appraisal of the lease value and to be assured that they can attract buyers on our behalf.

So everything was in place and I awaited the arrival of the first agent. I waited and I waited as the prescribed meeting time moved ever further into history. Eventually, forty-five minutes after the agreed time of the meeting, a Caucasian male entered the hotel dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. I presumed him to be a tourist here to enquire about room availability. No, as it transpired, this was the representative of the real estate agency. “You Kevin?” he enquired. I replied in the affirmative and asked the nature of his business. “I’m Stevo from the property agency. This your gaff then?” Is this my gaff? Who the bloody hell did he think he was? He turns up nearly an hour late and looking as though he has just dragged his sorry ass off the beach, makes no attempt at an apology and has the gall to ask if this is my GAFF! Had the word been GAFY it would have been a perfect acronym for my preferred response!

I know this is Thailand where timekeeping is summarily ignored. It is also a country where the temperatures are constantly over thirty degrees Celsius, thus rendering a suit and tie as unsuitable attire, but really this was just too much. Back home in England, real estate agents have the reputation of being slick; “wide-boys” is the term often used in describing them. They are generally young men, flashy dressers, reeking of aftershave and emanating a superior attitude that belies their status. However, they are all very well aware of the competitive nature of the business and the fact that gaining instructions is the lifeblood of their business. It is usual for a senior partner to be given the job of meeting potential vendors, especially as they are the most experienced and thus likely to be in a position to realistically gauge the value of a building or business. I have been visited by a man whom I would not employ to clean the toilets, let alone give him the responsibility of disposing of our highly valuable asset.

I decided to go through the motions anyway with “Stevo.” By the way, why do people do that, change their names by putting an “o” on the end? It would make far more sense were they to simply refer to themselves as Tosso, then we would know where we stood and not have to waste our time with them. Stevo sounds like a household appliance to me — get the new “Stev-O-Matic” suction powered drain cleaner here! As for Gazza, Bazza, Dazza and, not to be sexist, Shazza, well, you can all bugger off too as far as I am concerned!

Yet again I have allowed myself to be removed from the point, so once more I offer profuse apologies. However, I am sure you can understand that I needed to get that off my chest! Anyway back to Stevo, who by this time was stretched out in the chair and making himself feel quite at home. I decided to overlook all of his failings and hoped that somewhere in his office lurked someone with an IQ slightly higher than an amoeba and proceeded to outline what we were required from his organisation. I gave him a tour of the hotel, showed him the income and expenditure figures and explained our situation. “So ow much you want then?” Stevo enquired in his inimitable style. Now Stevo may have been keen on adding a letter or so to his name but was much keener, so it appeared, to omit letters from most others words.

“Well I would rather hear your opinion on that. Of course I have my own idea but you are the professional so I want to hear your valuation.” Saying this with a straight face was especially difficult but I think I pulled it off.

“No idea mate,” was the professional response I received and, to be totally honest, had every reason to expect.

“So I presume then that you will take the information I have given you and speak to your boss about a valuation then?”

“Can I take some pics of the gaff?” Stevo enquired, seeming to have completely ignored my question.

“No you cannot take any pictures. If you are instructed as one of our agents, which I have to say is not looking likely at the moment, then I will arrange another time for you to return and take pictures.”

“But I got me camera ere now.”

“So?”

“Well it’d be easier like for me to do em now I’m ere wouldn’t it?”

“I am sure it would Stevo, however, I have this instant decided that I will not be instructing your agency. Therefore there will be no need for you to take pictures either now or in the future which, all in all, is even easier for you.”

“So you dragged me down ere on some wild gooseberry chase and wasted me time then?” Stevo said in a now somewhat agitated tone despite remaining in the relaxed posture as earlier described.

“Yes it rather looks that way although this will prove not to have been a totally wasted journey for you.” I replied with the hint of a smile playing across my mouth.

“Ow’s that then?”

“Because, Stevo, you will leave here a wiser man. You see, the saying is ‘A wild goose chase,’ not ‘A wild gooseberry chase.’ Gooseberries cannot walk, let alone run, therefore the need to chase them is a somewhat redundant one and, if I may make so bold, redundant is exactly what you would be were I your employer.”

Without any further ado Stevo prized himself out of the chair and eventually out of the door, all whilst supporting a look of complete and utter mystification.