Days in the Life of a Pattaya Hotel Owner

I am, at last, back at my computer and able to write with some degree of fluidity. This has not been the case over the past few weeks as everything was rather laboured, hard work if you like. I managed to put together a few stories of recent events but in the main these did not flow with anything resembling my usual style — be my style good, bad, or indifferent. In early December, I started to feel rather down in the dumps, I was fed up with everything and everyone. Now whilst that isn’t too different from my normal take on life, my ability to even smile, let alone laugh, at events that encompassed me had disappeared.

I initially put my poor frame of mind down to my being homesick — something that happens a couple of times a year and normally passes after a day or two at the most. When things had not changed for a week, I became quite concerned and also began to suffer other ailments. Nothing was that serious but all of these issues together really started to weigh me down. My sleep patterns were all over the place and even having been in bed for over 12 hours, I would wake tired and struggle to get myself out of bed. A couple of times I did not even bother and stayed there all day save for a trip to make a coffee or visit the bathroom. My bones ached — I mean they really ached — making every movement extraordinarily difficult and considerably painful.

A day at home and then off to the hotel the next day was doing nothing, save worsening my already grey, although some would say black, mood. I wanted to kill people. The guys with the drills in the adjoining building were obvious targets but my angst was not restricted to them — far from it. Anyone who entered my space was a potential and almost certain victim. I did not want to speak to anyone. I did not want to even be near anyone. Everyone and everything was too much of a struggle for me and had I simply curled up into a ball and died then I would have been glad of the peace that I presume death brings.

I have never been someone prone to depression and believe me I have had plenty that would have knocked even the strongest fellow to the floor. I have endured, perhaps that will be my epitaph for when the day comes…a simple “He Endured!” I suppose that is all most of us do anyway — endure life. We have our good days and our bad, but in the main most days are very much the same as those that have gone before. We move on in life, sometimes (but not always) forward, but we move on. We look ahead to events that will entertain us, mainly our holidays and the chance to escape whatever form of employment enslaves us. We get excited about someone’s wedding or a big party we have been invited to. We look forward avidly to a trip to the cinema, theatre or a music concert. We usually attach so much to these minor events that they end up being disappointments because we have placed too high a value on them — they can never reach the billing level we have ascribed for them.

My life had been like that until I reached Thailand. Yes in the previous 10 to 15 years I had gathered plenty of money and, in the main, spent it as fast as I earned it…if not faster. Life in the credit lane when anyone can buy anything and nothing is real, well at least not for a few weeks until the postman drops a bombshell, or several, though your letterbox. I suppose that really sums up 2007 in a way, where numerous letter boxes, together with the remainder of the house, were repossessed as the credit squeeze commenced.

Anyway, after coming to Thailand, my life of receiving a huge salary every month supplemented by the odd property deal and hundreds of credit cards at my disposal came to a halt. If we did not have any money then we could not spend any money — it was that simple. It would be ridiculous to consider ourselves as poor, even in Western terms. We are certainly asset rich and although property values may not have increased much, if anything, this year the value of these assets is not inconsiderable. Were we to simply sell everything we own here in Pattaya and build a nice big house up in the Issan area then we could comfortably see out our existence on the interest alone. This, however, does not help when you have no money in your pocket and you want to go out to a nice restaurant or off for a week-long holiday. Christmas tends to crystallize these feelings, wandering around toy shops with a budget in mind is not something I am accustomed to.

Having extended ourselves in the purchase of a plot of land in Pattaya a few months ago, with the benefit of a mortgage, saw us struggle over the past few months as our cash reserves dwindled rapidly away. The arrival of high season has eased some of the pressure although, it means we are giving everything we earn to the bank rather than increasing our savings in preparation for the next low season. Perhaps this was the trigger for my depression and my feeling of being trapped. There was little else I could do to increase our income to a level that would make any difference to the situation and I suppose I simply began to give up. As every day passed I gave up a bit more and then a bit more until eventually I had given up totally. The will to keep on fighting, to endure, had gone and for the first time in my life I really, genuinely and honestly did not care whether or not I woke the next morning.