Days in the Life of a Pattaya Hotel Owner

The real downside of chronicling my Pattaya adventures as they happen to me and writing them truthfully and honestly is that sometimes I have to expose myself. It would be easier to hide from everyone’s gaze and then only reappear once the dust had settled. That, however, is not really telling your tale and is most certainly not live action from the front!

The most recent episode in my life has seen Mrs. Boss reopen hostilities and this time she appears armed with nuclear warheads. The reason behind her present attack has left me somewhat bemused and befuddled — more bemused and befuddled than normally I would hasten to add. I am still presently trying to get a handle on what occurred and why it triggered the explosion it has most certainly caused. This metaphorical explosion created a crater deeper than the Bingham Canyon mine in Utah and saw me buried deep beneath the shit at the bottom of it.

Peter arrived on another of his visits and all seemed fine in my domestic life. Mrs. Boss and I had been sharing the chores from getting James up at 5:30AM to prepare him for the school bus, which arrived an hour later. We alternated days in the hotel and were going out together for a meal once a week. Although opinionated, Peter means no offence to anyone, but his mere presence these days most certainly offends Mrs. Boss. I do not know why this is and, most probably, nor does she.

We managed a few days of Peter being here without any issues, but the clock was ticking. I knew it was only a matter of time before something knocked her off the present righteous path we were on. That something turned out to be a piece of paper printed from my computer — see I told you she was merely looking for an excuse to start! It was, of course, not just a plain piece of paper; now that would have been daft wouldn’t it? What happened was, that in his first few days here, Peter spoke with Mrs. Boss and told her as he, and others, had now been a party to the ownership of the land we purchased locally that it was time for some formal documentation to be in place. Peter was correct in wanting this as it had been promised at the time he, Mark and Kevin all put their hands in their pockets and came up with cash. Peter spoke with Mrs. Boss and told her he would be seeing a lawyer to get an outline of the options that may be available and would revert to her thereafter. He further added that he would be paying for the work personally, knowing Mrs. Boss’s total hatred for lawyers. Mrs. Boss appeared okay with this suggestion and, in fact, agreed that there should be formal documentation in place.

Peter duly went to see a local law firm and they gave him three options on how the matter may be addressed. He requested that they put these options in writing to him with one copy in English and the other in Thai. He made it clear that he only required bullet points, not the full descriptions, and that with a copy in each language he would be able to discuss the options with Mrs. Boss without any fear of misunderstanding. He was wrong!

After a couple of days the email arrived with both the English and Thai versions and Peter sent it on to me to print out, requesting I give the Thai version to Mrs. Boss. I printed the Thai version and read the English one. It was reasonably clear what was trying to be achieved and the formation of a company as owners of the land was the first and most sensible option — something I had suggested over a year ago in advance of the purchase! However, the other two options were not totally clear to me. I understood the intent, but just felt it may be better to check them through with Peter before handing Mrs. Boss the Thai translation. As I was planning on seeing Peter and hour or two later there was not going to be any delay and I simply left the Thai copy on my desk for later.

I went up to see Peter at his hotel and we sat and chatted for a while before I came to the subject of the lawyer’s notes. Peter went through these and they were exactly as I had imagined. I agreed to give Mrs. Boss her copy later that evening and was on solid ground in the event of her asking any questions. The main point, however, was that she would have this information and be able to discuss the options with Peter when the two of them next met up. Unfortunately these plans were shortly to be shredded.

Within a minute of finishing the conversation concerning the document with Peter my phone rang. It was Mrs. Boss. I was sure she was phoning to see when I would be back at the hotel and had no idea of what that fateful telephone conversation would lead to.

“Where the fucking hell are you?” she screamed so loud as to make the use of the telephone almost completely redundant.

I was, it is fair to say, more than a little startled and endeavoured to ask what the problem was. After all she knew exactly where I was.

“You and your friend try to steal land, steal mansion, steal fucking everything from me. Well you can fuck off and die. I not fucking stupid!”

I had never thought of Mrs. Boss as stupid. It is in fact quite the opposite of what I thought of Mrs. Boss’ mental capacities. I know she may not have the educational qualifications of those who stayed at school past their twelfth birthday, but she has a brain that dwarfs the vast majority of those that did. I managed a “What are you talking about?” sentence almost completely before the next salvo hit, then the next and the one after that. All of a sudden and, to my mind, out of nowhere I was again being accused of licking pussies and all other alleged crimes leveled against me over the past seven years! Where the hell did all that bile come from?

I was forced to end the call. I was not being listened to; I was getting no sense or reason for the outburst and I was being subjected to one of the most vicious verbal assaults imaginable. I sat dumbfounded by the whole episode and looked at Peter with my face showing no sign of anything but complete bewilderment. I had gathered that Mrs. Boss had found the printed page in Thai that I had left on my desk but it was neither hidden nor was it addressed to her. Why something so apparently innocuous should have created the frenzy it did still makes me shake my head in disbelief.